Vogon

Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz

Description in the Guide

They are one of the most unpleasant races in the galaxy - not actually evil, but bad tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous. They wouldn't even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without an order, signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public enquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters.

History of the Vogons

Appearance

Billions of years ago, when the Vogons first crawled out of the primeval seas of Vogsphere, laid panting and heaving on the planet's virgin shores... when the first rays of the young Vogsol sun had shone across them... it seemed as if the forces of evolution had simply given up on them then and there, turned aside in disgust and written them off as an ugly mistake. They would never evolve again. The fact that they did is a testament to the thick-willed stubbornness of these creatures. Evolution? they said to themselves. Who needs it? What nature refused to do for them they simply did without until they were able to correct the gross anatomical inconveniences with surgery.

The natural forces of Vogsphere worked overtime to make up for their blunder. They brought forth scintillating jeweled scuttling crabs, which the Vogons ate, smashing them with large iron mallets; aspiring trees which the Vogons cut down to use the firewood for cooking the crabs; and elegant gazellelike creatures with dewey eyes which the Vogons would catch and sit on (they were useless for transport because their backs snapped under the weight, but the Vogons sat on them anyway).

Recent Past

The planet whirled away for unhappy millennia until the Vogons discovered the principles of interstellar travel. Within a few short Vog years every Vogon had migrated to the Megabrantis cluster, the political hub of the galaxy. They now form the powerful backbone of the Galactic Civil Service. Also, some of the young Vogons join the Vogon Guard Corps, which, aside from making them look moderately less hideous what with dashing uniforms and all that, also allows for exciting promotion opportunities such as Senior Shouting Officer. Despite their intelligence, they remain little changed since their first appearance a billion billion years ago. Every year twenty-seven thousand jeweled scuttling crabs are imported, then they while away a drunken night smashing them to bits with iron mallets. They have as much sex appeal as a road accident.

Dealing With Vogons

What to do if you want to get a lift from a Vogon

Forget it.

The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon

Stick your finger down his throat.

The Best Way to Annoy a Vogon

Feed his grandmother to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal

The Best Way to Rescue someone from a Vogon Prison

DON'T

See Also

Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz

Prostetnic Vogon Kwaltz

Constant Moan

Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal

Vogon Poetry